TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D

Shit.





ONE FUCK for the sexy wimmins!

IRON MAN 3

ATTENTION! SPOILERS

As the weather gets warmer, so too, does the cinema heat up with the summer blockbusters. The Iron Man movies seem to be the lead into those (in Japan at least anyway) and get me in the mood for the films to come.

Admittedly, I often overlooked Iron Man 3 because I am anticipating Man Of Steel so much, but I'm always keen to see Robert Downey Jr perform.

So, Tony Stark is having PTSD after the events of the Avengers, when a mysterious villain appears, named The Mandarin. His men injure one of Tony's friends, which then sets Iron Man into action, declaring revenge on him. 

That's the most basic of a plot discription, only because there's not a lot else to the film. There seems to be a lot of filler, with at least a third of the film centering on what should be a sub plot, which sees Tony being helped with his demons by a little boy. Hmn... This is one of my concerns. 

 The film is really unbalanced. For example, Tony in one of the opening scenes, is trying to configure a remote control activated suit, where a bit of slapstick mayhem ensues, next scene; someone is crucified and set on fire.

 No doubt, they are pushing this film to be more child friendly and seriously trying to push the toys. The climax had me rolling my eyes with the amount of Iron Man suits they bring in for battle. I wouldn't mind, but each one was given about 3 seconds of screen time each. Wasteful. It was also stretched out too long. How many times can you bring a villain back from the dead? He's not the fucking Terminator.

The twist, which reveals the Mandarin to be not who he is has been done before in Batman Begins, which did it better. Here, it was just played for laughs and, admittedly, it was funny, but it felt cheap.

They really underused the Iron Patriot and his introduction in the film was SO weak. He literally just walks casually into shot while someone else is talking. You'd think they'd make his entrance more grandiose.

Another big problem for me was this... Where the fuck was Nick Fury? Or the Hulk? Hawkeye, Black Widow, shit -- even Captain America. Seriously, you have your little spandex boyband, not one of them could spare a day to give you a hand? Have to call bullshit on that.

Biggest complaint though, more for self indulgent reasons than poor choice filmmaking is... WHERE THE FUCK IS AC/DC THE SOUNDTRACK? Really, that band's music is a signature for this series of films, yet there is not one track in ear shot. That doesn't sit right with me. Although, the Iron Man 3 theme is pretty kick ass. 

Despite all this, there is a lot of fun to be had. Performances are good, there's some genuinely funny stuff, I always like to hear Paul Bettany as Jarvis, Gwyneth is gorgeous as always and she gets a really well deserved moment at the climax of the film that made me fall for her even more. 

The post credit scene was a bit wanky for my liking, but all in all

THREE FUCKS

LORDS OF SALEM

First of all, there's nothing scary about a bunch of naked old bitches, sorry, witches, cackling and spurting out a bunch of fucking nonsense about worshipping Lucifer and rejecting Christ and on and on. That opening made me tune out immediately. Yawn.

Now, I like Rob Zombie, I like his music, I like his art stuff & I quite like about half of his film work. So, I stuck with it.

The story is about a local radio DJ Heidi, played by Zombie's wife. (Hmn.) who recieves a mysterious wooden box, containing a vinyl record, from what she assumes to be a band, called The Lords Of Salem. She plays the record, it sounds weird (Its a pretty awesome little tune, thought I.) and from there on she starts getting creepy visions, which grow more bizarre and more real each time.

The film's actors are alright, but there are far too many cameos which take you out of the film. I really dislike cameos, unless its done in a smart way. To be fair, the cameos here were not as dumb as the Franco Nero one in Django Unchained, its just that there were too many in here.

You'll notice rips from Rosemary's Baby, the Shining & of course The Exorcist, which would be ok if they'd expanded on them.

The freaky imagery is hit and miss. Some of it works, a LOT of it doesn't. Can't blame a guy for trying though.
Musical stabs. Goddamn, I'm sick of those. Y'know, the sudden "shock" music you get to instigate a jump scare out of you. That does not work unless you are an eleven year old girl. It's a shame they used that here because the suspenseful stuff had me going. It's just like a disappointing punchline.

For the most part, I like how the movie is shot. Rob Zombie does know how to set up the camera and some of the stuff in here is really cool. I like his corridor tracking shots, they made me feel uneasy.

Pacing is an issue here. I find that slow burning horror films are often the best ones, I mentioned The Shining & Rosemary's Baby earlier, but also Don't Look Now is a perfect example of the slow burning horror film. Here though, Zombie's film wanders aimlessly at points and a scene will climax with a weird, freaky image, that has nothing to do with anything else thats gone on before (& no pay off later.)

This is one you should check out though, I do think a lot of people will enjoy this. It's got a feel of a cult film and fans of Zombie's are sure to enjoy at least aspects of it.

For me though, it just needed a stronger narrative and some proper character development, as none of the characters here have any depth.

TWO FUCKS

FUNERAL KINGS

Hadn't heard of this, until a friend recommended it as his favorite film of the year so far. That's not saying much, since the early part of the year is when they tend to release the crappier movies of the studios' line up.

The story goes; a few altar boys spend their time smoking, boozing and trying to hook up with girls with limited success. When one of their older "friends" drops off a mysterious trunk, their curiosity gets the better of them. They open it to find fireworks, porno mags and a pistol.

I was expecting a shocking, maybe somewhat harrowing tale of life seen through the eyes of a group of 14 year old boys, perhaps a film similar in the vein of "Kids." It wasn't that at all and, while it was amusing at times, it wasn't quite like "Superbad" as one might imagine.

While I enjoyed this film, I felt that it really didn't go all out in any particular direction. There were some tense moments in the film, that could have gone into some really interesting places, but the scenes would end or be wrapped up in a way that had little to no consequence. (And a few conveniences in parts) That was a bit annoying to me.

I liked the main characters, they had a good rapport and their friendship felt genuine. It brought back memories of the stupid shit I did when I was 14, so it had some nostalgia value for me too.

If you're after a cool little movie that's not too dark, not too heavy, but not completely light either, I'd recommend renting it. There's nothing really for you to pay full price at the cinema, but watching at home, you're likely to enjoy it a whole lot more.

THREE FUCKS

PRINCESS

I remember reading about this Danish film when it came out in 2006, but I had heard less than favorable reviews, so I didn't bother until now, as it had always stuck around in my mind as something to see when I got some free time.

Glad I did, finally. This film just blew me away, it grabbed a hold of my emotions and just shook me about. I was amused, shocked, disgusted, infuriated and uplifted.

August, a volunteer worker, returns home to find his his sister has hit rock bottom as a famous porn star and now dead from drug abuse. Her daughter, Mia, has been left in the hands of Karen, a sex worker. August takes Mia and acts as her rightful guardian, but over time, through feelings of guilt and frustration, seeks violent retribution against those he feels responsible over his sister's path and protection of Mia.

The thing I found very effective with this film, was it's use of live action with animation. A few key scenes, showing mostly back story, are played out in live action. It gives the film a sense of realism and having the characters be played by live actors, makes you care for them more.

This film reminded me a lot of the Paul Schrader film, Hardcore and his screenplay for Taxi Driver. These films deal with a man, heading into the underbelly of the world of smut and no one comes out, unscathed.

This would have been fine as a simple action/revenge story, but it's more than that. Watching August trying to bond with Mia gave it a big heart, which saves it from being mere exploitation.

The film left me with mixed emotions and I may need a few days for resolution. Its definitely one, I shall think about and I shall see again sometime soon.

Not for the feint of heart, but if you want to see a good revenge film with something with more substance, then give Princess a go.

FOUR FUCKS

SESSION 9

Browsing through Netflix, I was looking for a decent horror film that would hold my concentration for 90 minutes or so. Having seen a number of horror films, more often bad than good, I'm beginning to lose my patience with a lot of them.

Session 9 kept me wondering what would happen next. Good. The synopsis from IMDB is this:

Tensions rise within an asbestos cleaning crew as they work in an abandoned mental hospital with a horrific past that seems to be coming back.

The strength of this film is it's back story, which a horror tale of this ilk should have. Take for example, The Shining. A film which takes its time to plant seeds and give you little bits of information, adding more each time, until the climax, where - it's already under your skin and you can't escape from it.

 I found Session 9 to be very similar in that vein. I liked the subtle tone of the film and that it wasn't dwindling, despite it's slow pace. Some people might lose their patience at the film, as there isn't really an identifiable "villain" until towards the last of the 2nd act, but that, perhaps is what kept me going. I wasn't sure how things were going to turn out. Ghosts? Psychos? Were the team already in the mental institute? Or perhaps they were all figments of one of the character's imagination?

The climax for me was a little bit disappointing, as I felt they could've pushed the boat out a bit further. Again, I refer to The Shining that builds up to it's bat shit insane final sequence. The climax here was not particularly terrifying, shocking or even all that surprising.

A decent effort for a low-budget horror film, perhaps one to watch during the early Halloween season as a warm up.

An enthusiastic

THREE FUCKS

CZ12

Let me take you back to 1988.

I'm 6 years old and my dad is taking me to the video shop, as it's Friday night and he wants to go to the pub with his mates. He's dropping me off at my Granddad's house, where there is little entertainment for a young man with too much energy.
 Before we even get there, I know what I'm going to get. It's either going to be one of the Police Story films, Project A or Armor of God. Of course, I've seen all these already - and their sequels, multiple times in fact -- but these are the movies I would (and still can) watch over and over and never tire of them. I truly love Jackie Chan movies. Always have, always will.

So I heard about Chinese Zodiac 12 or CZ12 as it's more commonly known, last year when I was looking for Martial Arts films being released that year.
 I almost jumped out of my seat. Jackie Chan returning to his Asian Hawk character, a sort of Chinese Indiana Jones (And sorry Indy, as much as I love you too, Asian Hawk would end your week like a Sunday.)

I waited and waited, each day more excited than the next, my childhood hero (2nd only to Bruce Lee) back in one of my favorite movie franchises.
 Then, the day finally came, when the movie Gods smiled down on me and said "Lee, here is a piece of your childhood. Sorry it's a bit late."

And that's the thing. The 6 year old me would have loved this, but as a 30 year old man, I see too many faults. Perhaps I expected too much. Jackie is the same age as my father, so it's amazing to see him doing what he does at that age. He is a true athlete and runs circles round all other action stars of his generation.

That said, like my father, Jackie seems to be getting a bit preachy in his old age. I'm not particularly interested in his views on world history and Chinese heritage. I respect that he wants to make a film close to his heart, but slowing a film down to give me a 6 minute "history lesson" through dialogue is not the way to do it. If you're going to do that, at least make it interesting to watch.
 Be warned, there's an awful lot of exposition in this film, to the point you lose interest. The characters, of which there are many, are poorly written and terribly developed (not at all in most cases) and are totally forgettable.
 The non-Chinese in the film for the most part are made out to be bumbling idiots, which I didn't take too kindly to, but I suspect that's Jackie making this film purely for his Chinese audiences. Cheap, thought I.

In terms of continuity, there seems to be very little connection to both Armor of God & Operation Condor. For example, his name has gone from Asian Hawk, to JC. This may be a translation issue, I'm not entirely sure.
 I was pleased to see a few character quirks remain though: His fondness for gadgets and his awesome-as-hell chewing gum trick.

It really seems to have been inspired by several Hollywood blockbusters of recent years, most noticeably, Pirates Of The Caribbean, in which a totally unneccessary action sequence takes place, most of which, Jackie is largely absent.

Thats another gripe about this film: The movie is... Let's say "fight light." Of all the action sequences, you know how many fights Jackie Chan has? 2, although they are in the same scene, so you could say 1, broken up.
 The other performers in the film do an excellent job of the fight choreography, particularly Zhang Lanxin (thank goodness I can write that and not have to say it!) who has a great one-on-one bout with another martial artist.

Let me move on to the good stuff, because I feel I've talked a lot of trash about this film and it's not that bad at all, those things removed.

First of all, it's a gorgeous looking film. The locations, the action sequences, the cinematography. All the money that has been spent, has been spent well.
 In certain scenes, it's also very funny. I particularly enjoyed a scene in which Jackie Chan gets chased around a maze by several Dobermen (dobermans?)

There is a counterfeiting scene which I found quite interesting and would've liked to have seen more in-depth.

Finally, the action sequences with Jackie are awesome as hell. Sure, you can tell there's wire work & CGI involved here and there, but come on. He's old. We're all just going to have to accept that. He still moves faster than you and I!!

All in all, this is a decent effort. The plot tends to drift off and lose itself quite a bit, but if you can stick with it for the action scenes and the light humor, you might just have yourself a fun time. You have to give props to Jackie for trying to make a film that speaks, rather than just the shit he did in Hollywood. For the record, the Rush Hours, the Jacket, the Spy Next Door... They're not Jackie Chan films. They just have Jackie Chan in them.

THREE FUCKS